let's forget about the fact that these people dont embrace ur good deeds instead brought up such an issue when u can't do what it seems out of ur WILL. it doesn't really matter.
what matter is, u have faith in these people. without saying they should knew it all along.
they dont have to thank you for whatever good things happened between you both. it really unnecessary thing to do, at least for some one like me.
you know someone like what? some one who born the way like her kindness or the best part of her will be translucency despite one big mark of a judgement other people think SHE'S NO GOOD.
and then there's a wound deep on my tiny little heart am i not doing enough? being such a person noted quite importance for your current episode of life. such as maybe friend, maybe close colleague or maybe "we bound because we live here together and no one else fit us better" or maybe when we need something , me or ur name is among the names that come out in our mind in that time..
i dont know what's the definition is. but now i start hoping there's NO definition.
i already told myself, i dont mind what others think about me. i dont mind when u tell people how she is...... she is....., she supposed to be a good friend. she supposed to see me more often or surrounding know that we quite close.. so i'm hoping ...but she's ignoring me...bla bla bla.
i know this is not the exact words that come out from your mouth when u just feel like u wanna spill out something to the ummm common people..i really dont mind even if it is true.
but it feels like that.... just like that...the feeling u cant describe in a word. i lose my respect on you, some of the trust and im quite dissapointed.when i did that. dissapointed with myself not you.
through all of my life honestly, i do really like pretender so much. i think the fun part is, it's lot of joy watching someone faking their ass in front of ur eyes. and u play ur role.. u make it a lot of fun. and let the people see we happy the way we did the faking role play. but now i realize i just dont, because the fun part isnt funny any longer. i need something real.
then, this idea just suddenly shoot my head. no matter how many thousand good deeds i offer people. it will be unnotice. and then disregardly , when it comes to the things "i can't do something they hope i can do, but it's obviously out of my will, and it's consider nature that i can't be in everything PERFECT.
there is the point.. i dissapointed people. people noticed that part.and eagerly wanna make that small thing such a big issue. u brought it up . exposing it let the others know the things that u just found out about me is i'm not really good to you. then people start calculating based on personality.
seriously i dont give a damn if the whole town think that im no good, or think that im the most suspicious ganster, or im dangerous, or whatever could possibly seems bad on me.
what i really do care is.. why this thing has start with you. i know we dont have anything special definition. and i know we could care less towards each other. we do our own things, but sometimes we together. like , like friend maybe.. maybe for before i feel dissapointed.
im not important for you as i do u. but sometimes we need each others hand just like normal people .like when we need help we asking then if either one of us cant make it, no no i mean if im asking ur help then u cant make it, then i turn to other people who can. is just simple to me as that. TO ME. no big deal..but not to you. u think a bit different.
then i start thinking i would ignore u for many reason. but it's my nature, i ignore most people around and make myself hidden or keep my distance with any ,anyone. so i can concentrate on my self more.MYSELF I REPEAT. then some colleague and friends i give them these small space to fit together completing me. and my daily life.
i dont get it when i try to put myself in ur shoes, how can u feel so eager so wanted to spill out easy to just anyone about ur...umm... NO DEFINITION. maybe it;s not u, maybe it's somebody who cared too much bout u. but no matter what the issue exposed.
im not ur consideration, and im not sad about that. because im happy enough for what we had. but at least i shouldnt trust you so much an d i shouldnt being nice on you not even a bit.
it's a big thing for me, i aware so much. to make nice to just anyone.. and i make some nice thing to people i consider no harm or no threat to me. and for the rest i give them zero. because that's the rest i keep for... when start talking bad bout me.. i can feel nothing. but u're the other case...
u go to my list " watch them closely, and more aware than your enemy, because they tend to stab behind your back'....
end of the story.
i hope after this u will be straight to my list not so a dangerous person i could care less. give them zero.''
i know for now i can't make it yet..but somehow i'll try. because i want to live my life better, no vengeance no hatred. that's my rule..
keep on playing my games. tq